What's your favorite question?
Last week I met with someone to discuss possible approaches for my book launch. During this meeting she asked me one of the best questions I’ve ever heard.
“What’s your favorite question?”
To my surprise, I knew my answer immediately.
“How did you come to feel that way?” I said.
That’s it. That’s my favorite question. Here’s why.
It helps me get to the underlying reasons
When I’m interviewing a client or their customers, “I love that product” or “I hate that product” doesn’t help me all that much. To figure out what to do next, I need the “why” not just the “what”. If they love it, I can learn how to make it more lovable, or apply some of the same qualities to something they don’t love. If they hate it, I can work on addressing the specific reasons for the hate.
The past is more reliable than the future
Asking someone what they would want isn’t all that reliable. People might have an idea what they want, but that often changes if you put that thing in front of them. The past gets you the real story. You can work from there to address the bad and enhance the good.
It helps find common ground
This is a big one. Think about a time you disagreed with someone’s point of view. Did you immediately share yours or start to tell them why theirs was wrong? Or did you just walk away and check that person off the list of people you will interact with? “How did you come to feel that way?” gives you a chance to find common ground. I’m a lifelong New York Yankees fan. The Boston Red Sox are the Yankees’ arch rivals. I can see someone wearing a Red Sox jersey at a game and immediately tell them their team sucks (which they do, btw!). Or I can ask how they came to be a Red Sox fan. Maybe I find out that their dad took them as a kid and they got to meet a player once. Maybe that same thing happened to me. Now, despite our differences, we’ve found some common ground.
It builds connection
Similar to common ground, “How did you come to feel that way?” creates an immediate connection. Chances are, they’ve never been asked. There’s likely a story behind it. You get to learn that story and maybe share your own.
The wording matters
As much as I’m a fan of them, questions that start with “Why?” are often viewed as accusations or criticisms. Most of it has to do with tone or familiarity. There’s a big difference between “Why did you do that?” in an accusatory tone vs “Why did you do that?” in a curious tone. Pivoting to “How did you come to feel that way?” or even “What led you to that decision?” moves the question into curiosityville.
There you have it. That’s my favorite question and how I came to feel that way. I have a friend who starts conversations with “What are you looking forward to?”, which is another good one. Even a simple “How are you feeling?” moves past the almost rhetorical “How are you?” or “How’s it going?”.
What’s your favorite question?